sneak peak 1 // handmade arcade jewelry

photos by laura phillips . stay tuned.....

wind chimes and wonder

I head for the cemetery, the sun is warm and gentle. People are riding their bikes, smiling, saying hello on the streets. I am reminded that we're in this thing together. We're one. I had listened to "Within you, without you" earlier while making my breakfast and in this moment, I understand it.

I follow the concrete river and my feet know an imaginary current, carrying me to the triangles of light between the shadows of the trees. I follow these veiny shadows of the limbs until I find myself under a tree, close to the side of the road. I startle some squirrels, and I watch them scurry into a hole in a tree stump in the ground. Feeling like a home invader, I sit for a minute and scan the horizon. Two small clouds intersect, but for once I understand the delight in the clear blue sky. I do not wish for clouds. I can see forever. I follow two birds with my eyes as they finally become dots and then disappear. As my eyes come down from the sky I see my tree, upon on the hill above section 44.  I walk to it slowly and settle myself in the shadow of its center. I stare for awhile at the kaleidoscopic shapes that surround me. I know them so well. I take deep breaths. I begin to believe again.

I feel a kinship to the trees. We both have grown tired of the cold winter, we've been stripped bare and we bear no fruit. We offer sparce shelter, and we appear dead. Our seeds have helicoptered and parachuted to the ground. I lay down and peel my shirt off. I'm out of clear view, and I allow the warmth of the sun to touch my bare skin. I feel like a virgin being touched for the first time. I feel new. I stare directly into the sun, but i know it is far too mighty to hold my gaze. I know I can't see it's fullness, it would blind me. I let out the anxiety of winter. I exhale my fear. I return to life- here, among the dead. I feel the earth pulse beneath me. In this moment I do not fear becoming one with it. I already am. I hold hands with the bones of my ancestors beneath the still cool and stiff earth. I sense it starting to soften, as I am doing the same. I let go completely. I am delightfully alone, but i know alone is not alone. In the distance i hear wheels of bicycles and see figures far in the distance, hesitating at time worn stones that stand now crooked and plunge from the horizon. Soon we will blossom. Leaves will return. I see redemption in everything.

I hold a spiky seed in my hand, while I continue along the path, and I learn the right way to hold it. I secure it in my palm but take care not to squeeze it too tightly. I think I must be learning something about holding on to beauty, or to people. I walk a little further past a graveyard of cut trees, their limbs piled and bundled like meat by the side of the road. I see the stumps where they took root, and the dust that lay beside them in piles. I pick some up and throw it in the air and watch the wind carry it along. I dizzy myself trying to count the rings, and marvel at these many years of life, the stories and history trapped between the rings.

Today is the first day of spring and I sense it in every thing I see. My inner desires have shifted with the moon and the tides. I am grateful for change.

I pass the cave and my favorite graves, the ones covered in moss with their letters nearly erased completely by the wind and rain and time. I prefer the humble stones that just indent the ground. You can stumble upon them and be surprised. Even the memorial of this life has become a clean slate that marks the memory of a mother, a son, a husband.

I gather things slowly, hardly knowing why. I pluck some violets from the earth, some seeds, a slice of the fallen trees. I find fake flower petals, and I  bring those too. At home I make a shrine and have a little ceremony. I write my intentions on beautiful paper and fold it into a fan. I burn it in a bowl of soil, and mix the ashes in. I plunge the seed into the bowl, and stick the violets into some moss. I burn incense, and I meditate and pray. This spring is going to be different for me, I am continually being made new. At 5AM I wake to the sound of warm spring rain. I light the candles from the night before, and stare out the window, I am hypnotized by the steadiness of the the rain. I feel a peace come over me that I haven't felt in a very, very long time.

these births and deaths

What i meant to say --

What i meant to say was how important it is to me to have dialogue with visual language. I wanted to state my intent to always be working at communicating with this fluid language and gaining a better understanding of it's rich history and depth. I want to communicate the mystery of the complex systems we exist in - using humble means, humble materials....

I hoped to convey that I use trash because I believe in it. I know it has energy and power I want to liberate it. I want to expose it's nature, befriend it, work alongside it. Being a creator is a special privilege. To manipulate materials that have passed through many a hand is an honor, and beyond that, magical. In the moment where I am wrapping and weaving a piece of old bubble wrap into a sculpture, i can feel that magic. I can feel the power it harnesses, and there is a sense of something ancient. I can feel it pulling and weaving itself. I enjoy it in my hands and struggle with it, like others have done before me. I pop a few bubbles, but try not to pop the whole thing. I realize that I know about bubble wrap because I packed paella pans into boxes for months and used giant rolls of that stuff. You'd think it never gets old, but it does. Actually, its just mundane. You forget all the excitement of bubble wrap -- this plastic injected with air. AIR! (i have no idea if that's how it's made.)

I wanted to say all this and more, but I didn't. I got too nervous. I learned a lot from this experience about myself. About my fear, my impatience, and how I want to move forward. Also my studio is really, really clean and organized. I think that's a great thing. Onward.....

march etudes

cutting up my stockpile of old flute music this month. lots of beautiful music here - stay tuned.

LAUGHING AND CHEWING ERASERS

The past few weeks have turned me around. I've been working on applications to residencies - a lot of them. It is hard to spend $750 on applications knowing there is a chance you won't get accepted to any, but it's a lesson in courage and faith. Every essay I write, I believe in myself more and more. I am becoming more articulate about my work. Being able to verbalize exactly why I do what I do will never be easy, but I'm growing. And with each step I feel a little bit of forward motion. It's just enough to keep me going.

I haven't been making a lot, which is hard for me. This is a season to reflect on what I've made. Aside from writing a lot about my work, I am also starting to prepare for my first solo show. Monk and I started taking apart my window pieces today and have begun building box frames for them. It is quite a process. It's the kind of work that yields so much reward, you barely feel that you've worked at all. I feel like a mom watching my kids graduate or something.

Winter has been really hard this year. Dark, gray skies greet me in the morning when I wake and taunt me in the evening when my workday ends. Work feels endless and mostly pointless. I feel trapped in a day job I never wanted, but that I'm good at. I realized the other day that I've worked as an optician for 9 years. Its been good to me - there's nothing to complain about. I just know it is time to move forward. These last few weeks have given me hope that I have somewhere to go. I believe in myself again, and I'm excited to make new work. I'm thrilled to be having a show. I'm hopeful that I'll get accepted into a residency program. My work is being published in a book! (More details on that in a later post....)  The book project has been especially encouraging because of the other artists. I've expanded my network of colleagues and am being exposed to amazing work by 50 fantastic artists from around the world. I've been criticized for my use of Facebook, but it has allowed me to have this awesome opportunity. It is one of many resources that I am grateful for and that admittedly I sometimes abuse.

My goals for the coming months are many, and this is how I know the dark winter is coming to a close. I feel full of life and love and opportunity and ideas. I can feel something pushing me forward from within.

watching their faith in prayers // won't make you see your bones

too many things to say, i've been a terrible blogger. all i can do is pick up where i left off and try to remember things along the way. recently i've been working on a lot of new jewelry that i make out of recycled optical lenses (from my job). it's been a lot of fun to experiment with, i hope to incorporate some of what i've learned from it into my work in the coming year. i'm imagining some type of mobile. i think in 2011 i will suspend things. its hard to be certain. anyway, here are some photos that my girl  laura took of the jewelry.

i've also been weaving a lot of paper. again, i intend to suspend these forms in the coming months. its funny how i go through phases of drawing a ton and phases where i just want to cut things and mold them and shape them and weave them and carve them. i'm sort of there right now. someday i'd love to be able to bring the two together more comfortably. for now, here's what i'm working on.

 i went to new york again in october. it was a life-changing experience. i don't know how or when but i know i want to be there for a more extended period of time. i could say all the cliche things about new york *here*, but i won't. it was amazing and i got to work for Isidro Blasco again, who is an amazing artist and has taught me so very many things in our short intervals of working together. i came home excited and comfortable with working 3 dimensionally in a way i definitely wasn't before. i had some third eye cataract surgery or something. awesome. i also got to participate in several Oliver Herring performances, but i really think that is another post. so much happened to me -- i want to spend more time on it. the point is that i came back a changed person. those changes are always hard to maintain when you come back to 'real life', which is sort of where i find myself right now, teetering between the two. i suppose the tension is good. keeps us from going slack.  here's a photo from the Oliver Herring performance, you can see the whole thing on his facebook page here. oh. and here.

in music there's James Blake, and so much of it. Andreya Triana. Baths. (that one is a video Andres and I did). Bonobo. Tokimonsta. The Books. The National. those are tops for me right now...

over and out.